Not Silent Still

Crazy to Believe

Mark — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 13:47:58 +0000

Not too many years ago I stayed up late drinking and arguing with an old friend about our different world views. I’m a sceptical atheist and a physicalist, and she…well she believes in a lot of things that I don’t. At one point I said something like, “If at some point in the future I started believing in those things, then from my present perspective I’d have to say that I’d gone crazy.” I didn’t mean that I think people who believe things that I don’t are insane, only that if I believed them then something seriously wrong must be happening with my thought processes.

Less than a year later I started to believe in astrology. As it turns out I had gone crazy and my belief in astrology was delusional: it was a result of my illness and went away when I was treated. At the time I didn’t think my new belief was odd, despite what I’d said to my friend, because I thought that I now had an insight into how astrology worked (it seemed obvious given the fractal nature of the Universe).

It’s slightly disconcerting knowing that my core beliefs can be affected by my illness: I’d feel much more comfortable thinking that they’re fixed and unchangeable. After all, aren’t they what make me who I am?

Trouble Over Bridged Waters

Mark — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 16:00:44 +0000

I’ve never been so depressed that suicide seemed like a real option. I’ve certainly thought about it, but a moment of logical thought can reveal the consequences, and perhaps that’s what kept me alive through 40 years or more of undiagnosed and untreated mental illness.

Now I don’t want to go all A Beautiful Mind and I can deal with this with the power of my intellect, because with mental illness it is the intellect that gets fucked up, but for me there have always been a couple of thoughts to counteract the fatal urge: It’s not just about me and I want to know what happens next.

Dead Man Talking

Mark — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 16:48:38 +0000

Artist Peter Tucker says he was the man shot and killed by Prahran police last week on Greville Street.

Unfortunate editing has given this headline a humorous twist (the name, location and occupation have been changed to avoid undue distress to relatives and friends of the deceased).

Well, it might be funny if the guy hadn’t actually been shot dead for wielding his bicycle chain and padlock. But my point isn’t to highlight the indiscriminate use of lethal force by police officers; the man in question suffered from bipolar disorder. That’s what I have.

I don’t mean to be gloomy, but reports like this can be sobering. I guess it’s a good thing I don’t own a bicycle.

Prelude

Mark — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 08:20:50 +0000

Hi all,

Some of you may have noticed that I’ve actually been reasonably active on the Ultra Fractal list recently. My mood is slightly elevated. So far that’s good for the most part: I’m off the antidepressants (though withdrawal is causing problems of its own), I’ve started walking again, and eating more healthily, and getting enthusiastic about things (at the moment it’s my new discovery: single malt Scotch whisky). The downsides are some insomnia and impulse buying (those single malts).

I’m thinking about starting a blog. It’s something that’s crossed my mind before; this time I might actually go through with it. It would be a personal blog (though not of the “what I did today” variety), and I’d cover topics such as fractal art, whisky and mental illness. There may be a few people interested in what I have to say on fractal art, so I guess I might have some initial readers. I’ve signed up with WordPress, and I’ve been playing in the dashboard. The hard part is getting started: writing a first post.

So anyway, my mood is about optimal now, but I have to monitor it carefully. Hopefully the mood stabilizers will stop me from slipping into full blown mania, but if you see me becoming grandiose feel free to let me know. :-)

Mark